Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Spammer Roomate

Mr. Sinatra, what exactly IS making it? When I came here, I didn't necessarily have a set of goals or aspirations. Quickly, I found that one has to plot and scheme just to set up shop in this joint.

I'm not sure I have the strength to relive Nazi Sublet Regime that I experienced whilst living in Astoria. But for the sake of this blog, I will try because my past living situation has touched on many of my experiences here. While it irks me to think of my former roommate, the entire situation makes me feel as if I really came a long way. I'm free now! Liberated! Or, I could just be an idiot.

While living on our friend's hardwood floors in their UWS apartment for a couple of days, my husband was nagging me to find an apartment for us to live. Though the phone. Hundreds of miles away. While I was working a full time job.

Did I find time to go shopping? And bar hopping with friends? See....what had happened was....

But you just don't know how frustrating is was to find a place to live. We couldn't afford a place to live on my salary alone. Hubby was still looking for a job so our only choice was subletting if we wanted to live in a semi desirable neighborhood.

I spent hours scouring through Craigslist ads. Most sketchy or fake. All scary. Also, I had no clue which neighborhoods were good or bad so I ended to viewing rooms in the worst areas. Hubby frustrated moved up sans job. We could NOT live with our friends for more than 2 weeks, he constantly reminded us. I agreed, but dammit, I got the job and I was working. So I put the apartment finding in his hands.

In a few days he found us a seemingly awesome apartment. The rent was cheap and the apartment was super huge, in a nice area. The catch, we would be sharing it with a socially awkward classical singer. I'm an open minded person and easy going for the most part. I thought it wouldn't be a problem. Well well well....

Let's just say, before we were able to get our shit into the apartment we were barraged with a slew of insane apartment rules from which he was not subject to. And were blamed for his every petty annoyance. The sun shining too brightly in his eyes through his blinds? OUR FAULT!

Every morning I would get spam email about how he had gone through our trash and found item that were not properly recycled. He would curiously buy similar groceries that were obviously not in his diet previously and then accuse us of eating his shit. He would never clean anything but decided that running a vacuum across hardwood floors constituted as "cleaning the apartment." After his vacuum pushing he would often commence to spam my email account with the flaws of my bi weekly cleaning "attempts."

We had only arranged to live there for 3 months until we could save up our deposit, broker fee and a billion months of rent for our own apartment. But the last couple of weeks there I JUST COULD NOT STOMACH! I think it was the final spam mail that did it.

Here's a venting email I wrote to him. I never sent it because...I'm well I kinda cursed him out while moving all our shit out. He was upset because, well we didn't tell him. But that's another blog.

I could be bitching about how:

I specifically told you not to email me your rant sessions or rules about recycling
How much of a jerk move it is to tell us how we don't recycle and blame us for "recycling violations"
How sad it is that you rummage through the trash in attempt to "bust us"
How petty it is to hide the salt (that we bought) which costs only 50 cents
How you leave your bread crumbs everywhere
How you never restock on tissue paper and rarely take out trash
How you rudely interrupted us when our friends we're visiting and weirdly crouched over us
How you eave dropped into our conversation with our guests and how you freak them out
How you would have been invited to our get-together if you didn't bitch at us so much
How we offer you our expensive $70 seafood and etc. yet you constantly bitch about your silly spices
How being a foodie =/= hoarding spices and being smug when others are cooking
How you find it convenient to email us your bitch fests when you decide it's your turn to clean anything
How you never really get anything clean when you do decide to clean
How you keep Hubby
awake and have kept my stay-over guest awake at all hours of the night because you never sleep(but we never say anything because hey you're a night person and we compromised)
How your alarm clock wakes me up before way before I need to every morning but I put up with it because I have my quirks too
How you have only cleaned the bathroom MAYBE 1.5 times since we have been here in 4 MONTHS
How you took the mail key off Hubby's key chain! Seriously, that was just wrong. Hubby would have given it to you.

...and I could go on....

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT??? I NEVER bitched about these things. Because people are not perfect and I accept that. I want you to know that you are not perfect either

I don't know what you are talking about with that small sauce pan. That thing is so small and I never cook with it. But I understand how you could be confused as you never cook.

I pray for your next roommate and I hope that you will soon be able to have an apartment on your own. I know that Husband and I are not perfect but it really does suck to have to deal with "The Regime of Assholery" every five seconds.

We are moving out August 1st so you don't have to deal with us for much longer. Have fun with your rules. Please remove me from your contact list.

-Boss Bitch

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